Three truths about me:
- I love to touch the people I care about. Live inside them if you will.
- I’ve never been in a long-term relationship. I don’t even think I’ve been in love.
- Despite my chaotic sagas, I’m still what many would call a hopeless romantic
Why am I sharing?
In the past few months, I’ve found myself shying away from telling my friends about potential romantic interests.
I don’t get excited about (first) dates anymore, they feel like an annoying chore.
Someone I liked tried to hold my hand and I flinched.
The truth? I’m frankly ashamed of all my “almosts”
Well, I don’t know if shame is the right word, but.
Every time I realise I might like someone, I feel embarrassed for a reason I can’t really describe.
It all started with an acquaintance I’ve known for about 4 years now. I run into him about 2-3 times a year, and it seems like every time I see him, I’m giggly and holding hands with YET another person.
The last time I saw him, he joked about how I’m “just going around Lagos breaking hearts like hot cake”.
I know, “fuck what anyone else thinks”
Even if this was the truth, that would be my business.
But it’s not.
I can’t help it if things don’t work out.
But I can’t also help it if I throw myself into every new relationship (platonic or otherwise) with all the excitement in my heart.
This is why I don’t want this version of me – the one who isn’t screaming from the rooftops about my infatuations, the one who’s embarrassed to even be infatuated – I don’t want this to me.
But it’s not just one guy that started to get to me.
It’s the “lol, you sure move fast” when I even entertain the thought of liking someone else 3 months after the end of a barely-there situationship that lasted a month.
It’s the “hmm, well maybe you’re the problem since you can’t keep them long”
“So who haven’t you gone out with? loool”
“Are you collecting one for every profession”
Jokes, yes. But deep down, it’s not just all laughs. I can feel the judgement under my skin.
Three more truths:
- I’m well aware of my flaws, and I’m self-aware enough to admit when I’m the problem.
- I’m by no means desperate. I’m particularly good at being alone if we’re being honest. But I’d be lying if I said I’d be fully content without someone by my side to do life with.
- I only know how to do things all the way. I dive into every new possibility heart first, with as much love as I can give.
To find “my person”, I have to date. And dating is experiencing new people, for different lengths of time. 3 hours, 3 weeks, perhaps 3 years.
For me, time is a mere construct. Whether it’s day 3, or month 3 – I’ll only ever want to give the best parts of me. That includes reaching for their hand wherever we are, finding any excuse to hold them, stealing a kiss no matter who’s watching.
I’ll get hurt, I’ll get over it, and I’ll try again.
I know now that there’s enough love inside me to heal whatever gets broken.
At the height of my shame I asked myself, “how much PDA can I do in one lifetime?”
Well, as much as I have to. (But not too much I hope, universe).
So, if you run into me with yet another person, maybe, just maybe – mind ya business.
I’m just loving the only way I know how – with little public displays.