An Early 2022 Review
Yes, I know. January is basically over. Well, as I like to say, time is a social construct.
This has sat in my drafts for a while, although I thought last year was the first time I would suck it up and publish one of these.
I’ve never done of these, but it’s not because I think no one cares. I worry that looking back at the year will bum me out about everything that didn’t happen for me.
One of the things I promised myself I’d do more in 2023 is to be more thankful for the little things and a little kinder to myself. I can’t do that without looking back on the year before now, can I?
Headline
The biggest thing I took away from 2022 is getting comfortable (as fuck) with my feelings. I’m in awe of how much I put myself out there in both my romantic and platonic relationships. I’m also in awe of how much more comfortable I’ve become with expressing my needs, setting boundaries, and telling people who disrespect me to fuck right off. Sometimes more diplomatically, sometimes precisely in those words.
Mind
For the first time in my life, I can honestly say I’m not a depressed-anxious person.
I got into therapy at the start of the year to get comfortable expressing my feelings and seek some coping mechanisms.
Do I still have bad days? Do I still have anxiety attacks? Well, duh. On the rare occasion I have to deal with Nigerian bureaucracy, yes.
But I no longer lay awake panicking about the outcomes of the next day and things I cannot control. I’m no longer endlessly shitting whenever I meet someone new or have a huge presentation.
I’m mostly just in a state of, being.
And that’s the thing, I want to be here. When I’m sad, happy, confused, or annoyed, living still seems like something great (or at least good) is right around the corner.
I’ve gone a whole year without a mother, and it still feels strange, not final yet. I’m still dealing with all the different emotions, but sometimes grief hits me like a mid-sized rock, and I still have no idea what to do with it.
Life
It was the year I got back behind the wheel and into the water.
I’ve had accidents swimming, driving and riding a bike, so naturally, they are 3 things I’ve refused to do for a while. According to the internet, they are also 3 things a full-functioning adult should know how to do.
I sucked it up and took swimming and driving lessons. I can pretty much drive myself anywhere I need to be now (this is me saying I don’t need to be on the mainland, lol, idk what those people are driving there).
Biking, I’m coming for you in 2023.
I also wanted to get stronger, so I hit the gym. I wish I had the initiative to measure myself because I know I look fabulous. But I can’t tell you how much my guns have grown.
I gained 5kgs (this is a big deal for me), and I now weigh somewhere in the 50s lol, progress. I can also hold 1-minute planks and do about 4 of those in a row.
I still can’t change my water dispenser myself. Maybe that’ll be my goal for this year.
I also learned to be gentle with myself and my body. I can only hit the gym 2 weeks out of the month, and that’s okay. My uterus became much more forgiving this year, but I’m learning how to coexist with it and all the discomfort it sends me.
The highlight of my adventures was all the raves. Who knew I could be the girl that partied till 9 in the morning? This is in part due to my insomnia, but I’ll take whatever win I can get.
I did a poor job of keeping track of how many books I read(and bought), but somewhere between 15 – 25.
My favourite one is a tie between You Made a Fool of Death with Your Beauty by Akwaeke Emezi and Someday, Maybe by Onyi Nwabineli. Yes, they’re both about grief. Yes, I like them because a part of me can relate to that. That is a very keen observation, Sherlock.
Romance, hehe
The year started on a high note. I met this guy at the New Year’s Eve party I went to, and the sparks were instant. For the first few weeks of the year, we spent most of our waking hours texting, sending giggly voice notes and talking on the phone till one in the morning.
What free time we had was spent on 6-hour dates that often ended in neither of us getting enough sleep and heading to work exhausted yet euphoric.
But by February, we had to accept we couldn’t give each other what we needed. So he ended things (while I was being cowardly by silently withdrawing).
I’m not even going to lie. I cried. I’d wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air and wondering why I had tears streaming down my face.
I don’t regret anything, though, because it showed me my own blind spots and, for the first time in my life, allowed me to let love evolve.
I’ve never had to exist in the same space as someone I’ve been romantically involved with before, but he, I had to see often.
And after all the growing pains, I’ve felt the passion fizzle into a tender yet cordial friendship.
It lets me know that I’ll survive no matter how much heartache still awaits me. The parts of me that I give away to the people I care for will bloom into new bits, refilled by the parts of all the other love I have in my life.
Moving forward, I really wanted to go on dates this year. I wanted to enjoy romance away from the lazy, boring, impersonal status quo.
And boy, I did. Once I got comfortable with expressing my needs and letting people go despite the “potential”, I actually had fun.
The thoughtful dates, the late-night giggles, the gifts, letting people care for me without worrying about feeling indebted…..This should be the standard.
I got ghosted 3,4 times (who’s even counting anymore), but my struggle-love era is over.
I wasn’t completely innocent, either. I hurt three pretty great people, and I recognized that. As it turns out. when you’re constantly dating emotionally unavailable people – you too may become one of them. Who knew?
I’m glad I’ve been (mostly) able to work past this and I hope I don’t hurt anyone else.
Maybe in my review for 2023, I’ll do one of those dating reviews PowerPoints (dear God, I hope not).
Friendship
I really wanted to be more intentional this year, not just in being a friend, but actively receiving said friendship.
I’ve typically been the “oh, I’m good” and “it’s no big deal” friend.
But this year, I was an absolute mess. From my Guys, Am I the Problem group chat that I made at the end of another talking stage to the constant impulsive bad decisions, I actually let my friends show up for me.
I made a handful of new friendships that I hope will be in my life forever (I’d mention names, but I still have at least a years worth of therapy to get comfortable with being that vulnerable.
But I love you guys. And I swear I’ll try to make better decisions.
Ah, I also had a birthday dinner. Enough of spending important moments allowing wallowing because you’re convinced nobody loves you, right? Chances are, at least one misguided soul does.
My biggest takeaway away that people will be there for me if I let them, and if they don’t come through – well, as I said, they can fuck right off.
Work
The year started with me becoming the Editor in Chief at Lost in Lagos Magazine and Lost in Abuja Magazine.
It’s no big deal, I say to myself. As I decide what content goes into the magazine, who the contributors are and make decisions that could ruin one of the company’s most important revenue sources.
I’ve worked on 12 issues, and my favourite part about being here is giving other members of the LGBTQ community in Lagos another platform.
We’re here, we’re queer, and we exist, whether they know it or not.
Asides from introducing the word search, my favourite project was the essay comeptiion.
I partnered with my friend at the Meadowhall Foundation, which sponsors the education of underprivileged children. We ran an essay competition in one of the schools and had 2 of the winners published in the magazine. I constantly talk about my indecisiveness, but choosing the winners was less hair-raising than I expected. We even partnered with BIC and PigyVest, and it’s amazing what companies will offer as sponsorship if you ask.
The only reason I became a writer was that one of my teachers liked an essay I wrote in class and had me published, so this meant a lot to me.
I have my fingers in a few other pies (while I figure out this dream job thing).
I’ve worked with Ire since 2019 (the longest I’ve been with anyone). I didn’t know what to expect when the pandemic hit, and she moved to London.
So far, I’ve been a part of the last 3 batches of the IA Scholarship, and this was the most challenging round yet.
I really sat there and reviewed 3000+ applications from around the country. Doing this reminded me how methodical I can be and how amazing women are. We narrowed it down to 15 recipients, and I’m excited to see what the women from this batch will achieve.
For my writing, after getting published in some of the big guns like Fodor’s and Travel + Leisure, I’ve been reevaluating how I want to use my words. Writing because I urgently need to survive is very meh, so I sent a total of 1 pitch out. It got published in an unpaid literary journal.
Perhaps, one day, I’ll write a book of some sort.
Fails, lol
- I gave up on trying to get my PMP Certification. I honestly just stopped caring. Everyone is getting laid off anyway.
- I still don’t know what my “dream job” is.
- I don’t know where I see myself 5 years from now. If a genie appeared and said they could grant me whatever my heart desires, I wouldn’t be sure what to wish for. I don’t know what I really want.
- I failed to keep my spending in check. In my defence, inflation played a huge role in that. But also, I could’ve chilled out a bit with the spending.
- My insomnia got worse, and I’m not anxious about stuff anymore. But for some reason, I still can’t go to sleep.
- No NYE kiss 🙁
Random
The music was terrific. I found new artists I really like and rediscovered old favourites. Also, many, many new soundtracks for my different relationships.
My Spotify Top 100 Tracks for 2022
…..and with that, the 2022 season comes to an end, haha.
